Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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