Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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