I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
