I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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