If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I smell like Dick and happiness
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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