so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize