Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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