The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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