I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
