On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
