so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
