If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
