the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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