Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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