Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
