You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
