Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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