Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Randomize
