I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
