i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I need to wash the frat house off of me
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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