thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
