census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
