Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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