Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
