Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
