im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
