I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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