I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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