I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
