Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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