Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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