no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
