My liver just broke up with me...
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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