Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
