okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
