I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
