Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
