I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
