I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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