It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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