Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Randomize
