so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
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