I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
