i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
