I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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