So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
