i'm signing you up for texting rehab
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
