how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize