My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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