Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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