Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
They took my balls.
Also, beer. Big fan.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
