You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
