she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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